A first birthday

I usually write this blog on a Sunday night. It's become my little Sunday night ritual: get Katherine to bed, find a tasty evening snack, put either SCD or X-Factor results on the TV and settle down to write this blog. But last night I chose not to because it needed to wait until today.

Today. Today is the first birthday. The first of Mark's birthdays that he's not here to celebrate.

I've spent all day pretending to be upbeat, professional, chirpy Lizzy the surgical registrar. I've laughed a hollow laugh at bad jokes and I've stuck cameras up several bottoms (that is my job- I'm not a weirdo) and inspected guts for badness. I've chatted about inane things with no consequence or meaning and I've eaten pasta for lunch in the mess with my colleagues and friends. And all day I've felt so sad.

I guess with grief there'll always be good and bad days and I think recently it's really starting to sink in that we can't skype Mark and we won't be able to pop in and see him when we're home at Christmas and there's no address to send a card to this Christmas or birthday. And it sucks. I mean it really, really stinks. It's just rubbish. (I'd love to use more colourful language but probably not appropriate for a Vicar's wife but I know Verz would have laughed at it).

A lot of people talk about how God took Mark "home" at His time of choosing and that it was God's plan. I know that may help many come to terms with his death and I hope that's helpful to them but it doesn't sit right with me. I can't imagine that the God I worship ever "chooses" to end lives prematurely and I'm quite sure life had more in store for Mark and that God had even bigger and better plans for him. So that leaves me with why did Mark die? Well, maybe it's the doctor in me but quite simply, he died of natural causes that we don't fully understand and that seems so bonkers for a young, fit, healthy man. And I believe that God is sad with us too. There's so much I don't understand about faith, God, medicine and life but for now, I'm holding on to it.

And that's where running this stupid marathon fits in: because if we want to help understand more about heart disease, more money is needed for research. So please sponsor me. If you knew Verz, consider it the birthday present or Christmas present that this year you tragically won't be buying.
http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/longrunlizzy

Thanks.

Happy 39th Birthday Mark.